Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in rai_rai_raygun's LiveJournal:

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Thursday, April 3rd, 2008
5:01 pm	so don't dream if you learn to sleep underwater. today as i was putting on my shoes to leave for school i decided it was a mental health day because i didn't feel like going to mass twice this morning (considering yesterday i was almost banging my head against a wall, this isn't that far off). i stayed home and just couched it. took a nap. later i'll do some yoga or something. thank goodness tomorrow is friday. i'm such a procrastinator. i have Shit To Do, but it's sitting there, not getting done. it's so much easier not to do it. except when i stop to think for a minute, i think about it and almost panic. so i'm trying to keep busy these days. midterm is coming up, though. i won't be able to avoid things much longer. i decided i'm pretty happy with my decision to not go to prom. there's tons of bitchy, annoying grade elevens going, and the rest of the people pretty much suck in general. so we'll do something else awesome that night instead that won't involve an expensive and sucky dinner and seeing people i hate. so yeah. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, December 5th, 2007
7:54 pm	i feel a weakness coming on. Sup, dude. Been a while. So college plans? Finally? Maybe? Hair stylist? What? Maybe. Not totally sure yet. But maybe. It's actually incredibly nice not to be floating unsurely. Nicer than I thought, to have something to work towards, a goal in mind for my life. I heart guidance counselor for being wonderful. She rocks. Watching ANTM. This week is long. And pointless. I can't believe Christmas is so soon. This month is crazy. I've been eating a lot of my words lately, and I should know better than to take things for granted, to assume, by now. No such thing as a sure thing, kids. This year so far has seemed like an insane few days. And then just when I'm finally half comfortable in my classes, they change 'em up. Sadists. (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, October 23rd, 2007
6:40 pm	thank you, green tea. fuckdamn, it's been a while. today was a pointless, pointless day. i finally have a desktop computer back, but right now i'm on the laptop. it's cold today, can't decide if i like it or not. "If credit card debt is taking over your life, write down this number." geez, even the commercials are bossy these days. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, September 5th, 2007
6:27 pm	I still love you, the girl from mars. Okay. Let's start at the beginning. So, yesterday was the first day of my LAST YEAR. The last first day of high school I will ever have. Whoaaaa. Anyway. First day of school. First period is Religion. Lots of sucky people, but it's alright. Second period is Horticulture! This class will be funnn! Some fun people:D Third period is Economics. I didn't take it, they gave it to me. Whatever. The teacher's interesting, but I'm betting it'll be a hard class. Fourth period. English. Teacher's pretty cool, and again, good people! Next semester will be sweet, too. Three of four classes with Carmen, and the one I don't have with her, Hospitality, is full of other fun people. And today. The second day of school. Was a FOG DAY. <3 Ahhh, yes. Today I finallllly got my nose pierced! *is happy*   I lovvvvves it. Hopefully seeing loverly people on Saturday. <3 Pictures Friday. Head hurts. Nose is pierced. Happy face. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, June 13th, 2007
8:13 pm	Oh, you handsome devil. Only posting this so I don't lose it on the laptop. -------------------------------- I’m sorry; I’m failing at anything that might have been something and I’m breaking everything in sight. I am not good enough for any of this - it’s too much for me. I’m used to hipbones and the lullaby of emptiness at night, and old habits simply don’t die for me. I’d rather be cold than loved right now; please don’t lend me your arms. You will never know all of me, and I don’t need another person to see this disguise. My bravado reappears with my collarbones, and oh, how I can only imagine what you must be going through, darling. The nail gun you shoved through my brain is fighting back and I don’t have enough energy to hold off this massacre. Pull out your hair in frustration; pluck out eyelashes in desperation. I’m cutting veins and slashing through nerves; I will not break down alone. This is something you can’t fix. If I am trapped in here than I will rot here, I began decaying long ago when you set fire to this dead sea. Flames will glow blood red and reaching toward the sky, I am smoke and ash – reaching further than your love for me ever did. This iridescent hate is building now; it sparkles and shines with malice the way you always did.  Right now I need you more than the air in my lungs, but this empty space beside me is not even close to your body weight or warmth, or the space you occupy in my mind. This artificial sweetener does nothing but causes my tongue to break down with the distance between us. I should be doing something other than hooking my own heart but this self-destructive behaviour is second nature and I can hide it so well. You have no idea. This waning hope and dying heart, they are yours now - I never was more than second-rate but my flaws are yours now. This lack of safety makes me clumsy for all the wrong reasons. --------------------------- Anyway. School is... stressful. Less than a week until exams start. Scary, but I don't care. I can't even talk about the cafe show on Saturday. Extended period two tomorrow for mass. Draggg. I could be using that time more productively. A timeline: Tuesday: Anthro Exam Essay Due Wednesday: Anthro Exam Thursday: Hospitality Exam Friday: Religion ISU due, Religion Exam Monday: Math Exam I also need to finish my anthro exam review, providing I have the time, and OH YEAH... study. For all subjects. Pissed that now I have a hospitality exam, that's bullshit. I have spent after school doing nothing productive, but instead, talking to people who make me happy. So... school, or mental health? Mental health, baby. Anyway. My head hurts and girls need to learn that a ton of perfume does not cover up sweat smell, it just gives me a massive headache and makes me queasy. I'm still happy. <3 (6 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, April 27th, 2007
5:17 pm	I could be passive gracefully. today i decided school was over-rated, and went to the mall with sam and matt. finally got a new pair of jeans. cheap, too. not even twelve dollars, tax included. also bought some sweet ass nailpolish and a book. i'm excited. i had a shit load of gift cards, so all i paid for with cash was my lunch (cinnabon stix. 'nuff said.) and the nailpolish. i'm pretty happy. can't wait to start reading Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs. it promises to be an interesting read. despite the fact that i have about three books on the go right now (Twilight (of course), Lolita, and A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius), i'll start it tonight or later on if i'm bored. mmm, pizza time! <3 (man, i've eaten horribly today...) so pizza was num and now i'm eating gobstoppers. i wish it was nicer outside, but at least it's not winter anymore. hope everyone's weekend is good. 20 days until Damien fucking Rice. <3 (8 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, April 22nd, 2007
8:14 pm	the color-me-happy girl. So there's a Tookie in my lap. Sitting here with tea and working on downloading all the songs that somehow got lost in the move to XP. I don't even mind that it's Sunday. The weekend was good. Report cards come out soon, and I could care less right now. Less than a month until Damien Rice! 25 days, to be more exact. So excited. Tomorrow is pajama day (ha!) and Tuesday is some retreat for the whole grade up in Windsor. Reediculous, but it'll break up the week, I suppose. I can't believe April is almost done. I remember back in winter, wishing for it so hard that I thought it might never come. It's been fucking gorgeous outside, and I love love love it. Current Music: ani difranco. <3 (Comment on this)
Thursday, April 19th, 2007
9:37 pm	well, i hate knowing that i didn't. It seems like it's been a very long week. Among other things, someone sent me a virus and so I had to back up all my files, and while I was at it, I switched over to XP. It's been a nightmare. First my dad almost lost a bunch of my files, including a lot of my writing. I was not a happy camper. Now settings are screwy and I can't find my bookmarks and fixing one thing means screwing another up. And I can't even listen to Play Oliver because my speakers aren't working yet, something about a driver having to be installed. Anyway. Glad tomorrow's Friday. (Comment on this)
Sunday, April 1st, 2007
1:13 pm	Sunday's are cockteases. So says Amanda, and so say you. So last night (well, really this morning) I had this dream. It was me and this guy, I think I called him Mike? But I'm not sure. He had this awesome long, straight, brown hair with all these blue streaks in it. At first I thought it was blonde, but I remember waking up and think that he would have had to bleach the streaks first, to get the blue to show up. Anyway. We were in my basement, and there was this little kid with us. Apparently the cops were after us, so we throwing around boxes and then got the idea to open the window. So we opened the window, and at first I seem to remember being caught. Maybe I woke up and went back to sleep because I didn't like the outcome. Anyway. Mike gets through the window, and then I do, and then the kid. We run up my deck, then back down. Then to the left of my house, where there's a cop car parked on the grass in the space between our house and the neighbour's. First we were going to try to steal the cop car, but the cop was right there, so decided against it. (Apparently we weren't very bright in the dream.) So we run to the other side of the house where some blonde chick (See, I think she was someone I knew, but I have no idea anymore) starting singing the MarineLand song, which apparently was a signal to the cop, that she saw us. (Not like he didn't just see us or anything.) Anyway. Then Mike finds a tire (random? oui.) and he was going to try to throw it at the cop, apparently, but I talked him out of it. We hugged, I think, and then I woke up. He had such pretty hair. Actually, he was pretty good looking. Anyway. There's my weird dream for the day. Bah, Sunday. It's April, though! Happy face. I should go do MORE homework.  It never ends! Happy Feet is officially cute, even if the ending did seem a little abrupt. ( This made me smile. ) Emmy's home tomorrow! <3 (Comment on this)
Thursday, March 15th, 2007
5:09 pm	She's colourful, allergic to a world that won't see. So today was officially the last day of le driving course. YAY! Tomorrow I'm going for my G1. Going to miss seeing loverlies every day, though, and going for walks and getting chais with them. Sadface. Not going to miss the douchebags behind us. >.< I can't believe tomorrow is friday and then weekend and then gross blecky monday School again. How did that happen? I should be studying right now, but I am not. I'm tired of studying. So it was spring for what, three days? Back to winterrrrr. Gross. Haha, despite that option sheets were due like a month ago, I have yet to hand them in. I guess the school called yesterday during the class 'cause my mom was less pleased. My classes are going to suck out loud next year. Can't be bothered enough to care. Whokay. Last night I put on this awesome facial mask that tightened up my pores and made my skin feeel amazing. Think I shall do it again tonight. Happyface. Apparently kitten has discovered the pool that lives in the potty. Teehee. I have yet to witness this, but I have heard it from mom and sister. There's so many things I should be doing right now. Studying. Working out/yoga. Cleaning. Did I mention studying and cleaning? I'd rather sit here with kitten in my lap, listening to music and procrastinating happily. For the last I don't know how long, I've had this feeling like I've forgotten to do something. I hate that feeling. And it's been following me for quite some time now. I wish I knew what was causing it, if there was even anything causing it. 62 DAYS, BITCHES!!!! I'm so excited, even though it doesn't feel real. I just realized how long it's been since I updated. Baaad. So the 62 would be the number of days until May 17th, when we see DAMIEN RICE LIVE IN CONCERT. Yeah. That's right. ----------------- The Axe Effect still doesn't work. Went for a walk the other day, just me and sunglasses and Play Oliver. It was gorgeous and amazing and wonderful. Pretty much loving the new Play Oliver track, by the by. One day we shall see him live. And fuckdamn, that is one lucky girl. Anyway. Current Music: play oliver <3<3. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, February 7th, 2007
7:59 pm	Sing like it was afternoon already. So I'm sitting here listening to Andrew from age of rockets' podcast. (For people who don't suck: http://www.myspace.com/ifeelprettypodcast ) Stayed home today, I have a cold. Yup. I've named it, too. Agarina. And no one will get zee reference, which makes this panda sad. Anyway. I drank happy tea that made throat less hurty and watched television and snuddled with Tookie. (see, that's a cross between cuddle and snuggle) I think the cold's made me stranger than normal. Hm. So. Whenever I actually get my freakin' memory card for my video camera (apparently it was ordered but I have yet to see it) I want to do some sort of silliness with it. There are ideas. Ohh, there are ideas. *cough* I have two kleenex (see, they're actually tissues. but we all call 'em kleenex, anyway.) boxes in rotation. i love them. one has daises on it. i love daises. where hath my capitals gone? i know not. school tomorrow? perhaps. if i don't die. or get worse. whoa, that got really loud for a second. i have to sneeze. i hate that feeling. i have an Antho test on friday. baaaah. it's like, the second week of school? i've only started remembering how much i hate her and her assloads of work. to conclude: The Axe doesn't work, in fact, it offends noses and also robots are nice. make friends. with aliens. don't do drugs. play oliver. (aha.) (Comment on this)
Tuesday, January 23rd, 2007
10:17 pm	Do you miss me, Miss Misery, like you say you do? this is me rambling out of boredness. can't be bothered with capitals. beep test/flexibility test today. expecting the second, but we all thought the beep test was tomorrow. a fun (not so much, actually) little surprise to spice up your life. i should be studying. i am not. english test today wasn't too painful, but enough so. the exam will indeed, suck. as will the math exam. i've heard that his exams are easy, but i don't know. i can't remember any of the things we did near the beginning of the semester. not worried about marketing exam, as he is a joke. i want exams to be done. i want sleep. i could get so much done in the time i spend at school, as opposed to the nothing that's done there. this week and next week and the week after that need to be over. that way, exams will be done, and the first couple weeks of new classes will be over and i can start settling in again. my hardest subject will be anthro, hands down. i need it to be summer already. i need warmth. and freedom. and holy hell, i just need. <3 Current Music: elliot smith. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, January 17th, 2007
9:17 pm	And my hope is feeling worn. Today, I fear, I am not myself. It isn't quite perceivable, but something is a bit Off. I don't know what it is. Random patches of 'isn't it sad', but for the most part, today was alright. There was essay-writing. I've still got about a page to go. Tookie is sleeping is the oddest position on my lap. She's got her face turned down, her front paw curved in beside her face, and her back paw beside that, touching her ear. She's my oddball, and I love her to death. Getting one random day off is strange. I wasn't quite sure what to do with it. It didn't even feel like a Sunday. It felt more like nothing. Tomorrow evening I have to do Grade 8 night, le joy. Two hours of being bored out of my bloody mind. Can't wait for the weekend, can't wait to turn this stupid essay in and be done with it. Yup, the essay I should be working on right now. Not like I'm going to get a whole lot done tomorrow. But instead I sit here, writing about nothing. Procrastinating. Because it's what I do. sea change n. 1. a striking change, as in appearance, often for the better. 2. any major transformation or alteration. 3. a transformation brought about by the sea. Sometimes I hate how fucking shy I am. How private I am. How stubborn I am. But I can't help it. (Comment on this)
Sunday, January 14th, 2007
9:00 pm	need cuddle, will travel. So, okay. What happened to the crappy bad weather that everyone was so sure was going to make tomorrow a snow day? I'm proud of myself, I actually opened my English book and tried to work on my essay today. But I left my text at school, and so I didn't get very far. But it's the thought that counts, right? I'm not looking forward to the second half of this week, but I am. Sitting here with wet hair and music and tea, and I'm content. And I'm sure my hair has just stopped growing again. Yup. I think it's protesting. It wants spring and summer, too. It wants freedom. It wants to be surrounded by people who love the person attatched without having to be in school. It wants to be able to leave the house with only a t-shirt and a hoodie (pants are optional now). Anyway. Hope all had a good weekend. (Comment on this)
Saturday, January 13th, 2007
12:09 pm	So Vanity's got this new gun that she wants to try on you. So I'm in an better mood today than I was yesterday. I told my parents that I was just going to do my English essay while they were gone, but in reality, I'll probably clean more. It's so much more rewarding, and though I am much better today, I always have some aggression lying around that I can take out on something. My make up table is now very clean, and I threw out a bunch of old make up and glitter and lip gloss. Holy crap, how did I get so much lip gloss? I've never worn 95% percent of it, either. Hm... what can I build with lip gloss? Hah. By the end, I was listening to Atreyu (I went through what, six cds?) and scrubbing the outside of the table with make up wipes. I have no idea how it got so dirty. The chair thing, too. Crazy business, man. Anyway. Haven't really been writing, but I'm telling myself it's alright because I have too much to do, anyway. Speaking of, I think I have to go to stupid Grade 8 night. It's Thursday, from 6-8, but my Marketing teacher is willing to give us four hours of community service for only being there for two. Plus, there's no way I'm selling those dumbass cookbooks anywhere else. Two birds, my friend. Hopefully it will stop daddy's bitching about my hours for like, a day. Okay. So. A schedule. Thursday (18th): Grade 8 Night Friday (19th): English Essay Due/Fitness Reflection Thing Due Monday (22n): Fitness 'Mini Exam' Tuesday (23rd): Marketing Review/Math Review/Fitness Testing Wednesday (24th): Marketing Review/Math Review/Fitness Testing Thursday (25th): Marketing Exam Friday (26th): Math Exam Monday (29th): English Exam Tuesday (30th): Day off! Wednesday (31st): Day off! I don't know if we have the Wednesday off, I'll have to check my handbook. Hopefully we do, that means two days off. EDIT: We have Wednesday off! Yessss. This schedule is tentative, and I'm sure there will be much more added to it. This is only what I know right now. (Which, in general, isn't much about anything.. but a topic for another time.) And all the while, there will be cleaning. Oh, there will be cleaning. And moving of belongings and furniture to the room next door. There might be some studying, too, but I wouldn't count on it. [Wow, I'd sure like them to be gone already so I can have some peace.] Blah. Maybe today I'll tackle taking all the stuff off my walls. Sad face. All the show posters, guitar picks from shows, random phrases, etc. I'm not quite sure which wall they are going to go back onto in my -new- room, because the longest wall will be painted with a skyline, I'm thinking right now. Eh. But I don't want to do that, so I probably won't. Hell, I'd tackle Sam's room before i do that. And her room.. I can't even explain how messy it is. I don't know how she lives like that. Well, cleaning is default mode when I'm angry, and that's not hers. So maybe I can understand. I don't even know. I'm going to stop this right here, I'm rambling anyway. (Comment on this)
Thursday, January 4th, 2007
11:47 pm	just playing around, this will be deleted. (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, December 26th, 2006
9:32 pm	And I'm on fire. So today I watched Paradise, the Dresden Dolls dvd. Tookie sat with me for most of it, and I fell in love with Amanda and Brian a little more. Tookie for the first time, as she previously had no idea who they were. I think she has a boy crush on Brian, she seemed most awake when he was on. It would be really awesome to be part of the Brigade. I looooove my camcorder. (I got it for Christmas.) It's adorable. And can take pictures, voice, and play music, as well as taking video. Em and I can finally do our Goodbye Blue Monday vid. *happy face* I should probably get a better understanding of how to put music to video and how to tweak it and such uploaded to the computer, though. It's still a bit fuzzy. (The online instructional book was like forty pages.) I got season one of V Mars, which I'll probably start in a bit. Tookie still finds it hilarious, apparently, to get me up before the sun even though school is currently out. K-town show on Friday. Hm. But just think about the bridges you are burning. Despite the fact that I didn't see any family this Christmas, they still managed to make things a little stressful. My uncle called yesterday, wanting to come over. My dad said no, but maybe later in the week. I have decided that I will be out. And my grandmother might be coming over tomorrow. Joy. I wonder if she will, once again, tell me how fat I apparently used to be. (Thanks, grandma. I don't like you, either.) -------- So you don't want to hear about my good friends? You don't have the guts to take the truth or consequence. For the record, I love the fact that it's actually Amanda's real bathroom used in the Girl Anachronism video. I love it. I love her. Current Music: dresden dolls. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, December 14th, 2006
6:27 pm	Your money for nothing and your chicks for free. Mm. So I have a proposal due Monday, I can't even properly remember what it's on. I have an essay due Wednesday with two days' grace, so it can be handed in on Friday. I have a Macbeth play thing due on Monday. All just for English. I was debating taking Monday off to lounge at home, eat cheesecake(?). Generally do nothing all day without needing the excuse of being sick. The only way I can do that now without getting a zero on my proposal is to maybe send it to someone, have them print it and get it to him for me. Probably won't happen. Guess birthday will be spent at school. Em and I are supposed to go to a cafe show on Saturday. Nummy, nummy Vanilla Chai will be consumed. That's half the reason I'm going. I'm addicted to those things. I should be working on something for English, goodness knows I have enough of it to do, but I'm not. It will be left until the last minute. Eh, well. I really don't feel like it. I'm glad there's a break coming up, despite my increduality at it being Christmas already. Where does time go? Maybe it gets stolen, like socks from the dryer. My partner in crime will be MIA tomorrow, recovering from the Night 89X Stole Christmas (lucky girlie). I need new music, I'm getting bored. Something hard and fast, and something between Damien Rice (<3) and Mew, Sigur Ros-like, similiar to Mum. Suggestions, anyone? Love love love the new gym. Doing an aerobics class everyday now, in some form. Tomorrow is supposed to be kick-boxing and Tae-bo. Happy face. I have this sinking feeling that I've forgotten to buy someone a present, even after I've gone through the list of everyone tons of times. Hm. Owe Sam five dollars, but that isn't it. Got my secret Santa, got Alana a birthday gift, did Sam, Mom and Dad... Blah. Stupid feeling. Stupid band. Stupid band shirt. I feel like making cupcakes, but I know I won't. I should paint my nails, otherwise they will be gone soon. Some guy was surprised that I was actually funny, because he's also in my Marketing class and I don't talk in that class. Comments like his always remind me of this Henry Rollins quote. Last night I was watching a Damien interview and fucking hell I love that man's accent. I'd like to know him, just to be able to call him or see him and have him talk to me. Current Music: Circle takes the Square - a crater to cough in. (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, December 10th, 2006
5:50 pm	In love. <3 Eeee! I got one of Emily's kittens. It's so frickin' adoraaaaaaable. Named it Tookie. (Pronounced 'Too-key' or 'Two-key') Mhm. I'm in love. I'll throw up some pictures (because I have tons) when I feel like going through the whole process, which will be later. Maybe no school tomorrow, in favour of Christmas shopping. I haven't started yet. Tookie's scratched up my hands. She's adorable. The end. Jaz is really upset with me right now. She'll go no closer than ten feet to it right now. ---- She sits. In my lap. As I type this. (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, November 25th, 2006
12:08 pm	Special, you're a rocket through me. I really should find out who's coming to Monster Brawl, and the K-town show. Should finalize plans and such, which probably should include writing all the info down on a neon bristol board and reading it aloud to my mother, who conveniently seems to "forget" that I ever ask to go anywhere before the day it's happening on. I got up two hours ago and it feels like it ten minutes ago. Mmm. Saturday. I love Saturday. Next week is just going to rock. It's going to be great. That's my mantra. Wednesday is field trip to radio stations, and restaurant eating, for the day. Carmen's coming, along with a couple of other people that I can actually stand (unlike my douchebaggy class. like that word? oh yeah). And Friday is no school and Kingsville show. Yessss, bitches. About time. And Saturday, the day of all days, is Monster Brawl. Mew. Happy face. I might have to add Denmark on my list of travel places. England, where apparently they're currently living, has long been on the list already. Yesterday was nice. Fogdays are happy. I know someone who is waking up with a hangover that I can't feel sorry for. Current Mood: complacent Current Music: Mew - comforting sounds. (2 Comments |Comment on this)